Eat Poop U Cat

I've not heard of Eat Poop U Cat before, but it is an advanced (and fun) variation on Chinese Whispers.

Still waking at 6am. Still no idea why. Still knackered. I wouldn't mind if I could just roll over and fall asleep again, but usually Mr. Bladder starts to demand attention, followed by that itch in the middle of the back, followed by the tap-dancing sparrow in the gutter, followed by Lewis Hamilton practising in the road, followed by that panic that you hadn't actually set the alarm but find out that you did and now it is only 10 minutes before you have to get up so you might as well anyway. Bah.

6am

I'm not getting enough sleep at the moment. For some reason I keep waking up at 6am, even at weekends. In that twearly part of the morning, my mind does start to wander. This morning I was thinking, if you had a Klein Bottle bank, would you have to take your bottles to it, or are they already in it? I then tried to count sheep jumping into a Klein Bottle. All this thinking made me thirsty so I had to get up in the end.

How to feel young again

There I was feeling rather middle-aged when on the radio, they starting talking about a new social network aimed at middle-aged people who find the likes of facebook and myspace a bit too young-people orientated. They then said it was aimed at the over 50s.
Yey! you have to be over 50 to be middle aged, so I'm still a youngster for a few more years yet.

No Mouse On Mars

Those strange holes on Mars that I mentioned before, are perhaps not so cavey after all.

Is "cavey" a proper word?
Is it really nearly a month since I last posted?

Seeing that picture of Nigella in the previous post reminds me that I did my best 'Domestic Goddess' impersonation last week and baked some chocolate brownies that were just bloody perfect. Not those nasty dry possibly been placed near some chocolate at some point type brownies that you get in shops but proper moist, gooey, very chocolatey brownies that are so yummy, they make you fat.

Happiness is a warm bun

My buns are thoroughly warmed by the news that Nigella is back on the tele' this Monday. I really shouldn't go all gooey over a posh daughter of a Tory, but somehow Nigella strikes home. She even makes me cook, in the same way that Rachel De Thame makes me garden and Kate Bush makes me listen to her music. (Ok, that last one doesn't quite fit the pattern.)

I do notice that when it comes to having any sort of a crush on anyone, it is usually dark haired ladies of around my age. I liked schoolgirls when I was at school, 30 year olds when I was 30 and now a bevy of 40 year olds now I am 40 (and a wee bit). I can't wait until I'm 80 and start lusting over those hunched up grannies with their zimmers.

 

Anyway I am glad to see Nigella back in the kitchen. That daytime chat show she tried a couple of years ago made me laugh at how bad it was. It was close to being a spoof.

Feeling a bit pink in Downham Market

Shopkeepers in the North are nice
They ask after your kids and wife
And when you've had a good chinwag
they pop your provisions in your bag.

"Shopkeepers in the North are Nice" by John Shuttleworth.

I guess John Shuttleworth has never been to Downham Market, as he might then change his song to "Shopkeepers in the North (and East) are Nice". Downham Market seems to have been in a timewarp for 30 years as it is still full of useful shops, a novelty in such a small town. They either become useless-shops-for-tourists or the-same-shops-as-everywhere-else shops. When I was a wee lad, my local town of Bromsgrove used to have useful shops, but by the time I was a teenager it was getting close to The Shoe Event Horizon with every other shop being a shoe shop. Now it is full of generic high street stores.

Downham Market on the other hand still has a butcher, a baker and, although there is no manufacturer of wax-based illumination holders, I'm sure you could buy a really nice candlestick somewhere. The car parks are free, the old people are never grumpy, the gangs of teenagers politely move out of your way, the pizzas are really juicy, the vets know your pet's name on sight, you can buy just the right size of washer for that leaking tap, and you can be amused by a lawnmower store called "Lawn-boy". Well, it amuses me anyway.

I needed a new refill for an unmarked (but rather splendid) pen and rather than face the ignorance of a Saturday girl in King's Lynn, I went to the teeny-tiny stationery shop in Downham Market, showed them the mysterious refill and they instantly went straight for the correct replacement with a smile and a brief chat about the weather. I left the shop with a small brown paper bag containing my purchase and a warm glow of customer satisfaction. I like the cakes from the bakers as well. You buy a innocent looking small chocolate delight and a little banana cake from the jolly lady, get them home, unwrap them and then gasp in amazement at their sheer size. They must grow between shop and home, or else I become the size of a Borrower upon leaving the bakers.

The last time I was in Downham Market I went to the Post Office to send a package. Again Downham Market has a different sort of Post Office. There was no queue and three open hatches each with a happily smiling lady eager to serve. I dumped my keys down while manhandling the parcel onto the scales, paying the lady and talking about the weather. Upon leaving I heard another customer, a man say "Excuse me, are these your keys?", turned and saw my keys dangling from his hand. Once more Mr. Brain had failed to remind me to pick up my keys.

"Yes they are mine, thanks" said I, retrieving my keys, only to hear him say "Oh, I did wonder, because of the pink key".

I was somewhat nonplussed, and left swiftly.

So, is a man not allowed to have a pink key? Was this guy trying to imply something? Should I mention that he had a moustache and a medallion or would I then be accused of implying something? Answers please on a postcard to:

Boolbar
Downham Market's Big Gay Post Office
Norfolk

First Rule Of Plumbing

Spot the mistake :

The upstairs toilet has a blocked sink.
Remove and clean the gunk filled U-bend.
Replace U-bend and test sink. It is still blocked.
Remove pipe from U-bend to wall, find it is full of gunk.
Clean out pipe outside and return to upstairs toilet.
Hands are dirty, wash hands thoroughly in sink.
Mop up large quantities of water from floor.
Replace pipe.